Oblivious of the consequences, I started my journey to heal my disturbing inner child. It was not a planned route to the healing process. I just had the blurred intuition of this remarkable journey.
I can say I chose the twisting, attractive path. Before this started, I did not realise that sexual abuse can have a long-lasting impression on our innocent souls.
And I remember the constant denial regarding the influence of it on my body. It affected me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Childhood trauma felt so irrational before I acknowledged the lasting impact of it on me.
Escaping the Impacts of Childhood Experiences
For years, I could not figure out its adverse impacts whenever it hit hard my thoughts. Still, after seeking a child therapist and having talk sessions, I could not heal fully as I had no improvement in traumatic symptoms, including depression and panic attacks.
In my sessions with the therapist, because of a lack of words and communication regarding sexual abuse and events that occurred to me, I could not figure out the way to describe the most traumatic incidents. And the therapist suggested that I use specific language to explain the horrible events.
Irrespective of what my therapist proclaimed—that I am healed and no longer a victim of sexual abuse—symptoms and flashbacks came back to terrify me more. And I thought it was my failure to overcome the impacts of abuse.
Because I believed my therapist and did not want to be a failure myself, I ignored the fact that I was still suffering from an unsettled traumatic incident of childhood, which got more prominent with my deteriorating physical health.
In my survival journey, the escape mechanisms were impulsive, as I did not plan the strategy to combat the symptoms. I remember the days when I stopped loving my body. It seemed to me to be a crime that I didn’t commit.
I started ignoring the fact that to heal my mind and body instead I went to approach others and chose my career development rather than spending time with myself.
When I started my job as a teacher, my utmost struggle was to teach my elementary students to protect themselves. I taught them the difference between good and bad touch. I taught them everything that I wanted as a child. Where I was still ignoring the process of healing myself.
Seeking A Way to Heal from Trauma
I ignored the fact of being the victim of sexual abuse until I exhausted myself. I nearly put myself in survival mode as I moved frequently to the idea of escapism. I behaved as well as if I had not been sexually abused.
Back in the days of previous years, the flashback came more strongly than ever. I felt helpless as I had no control over my dreams. But the good thing is that those flashbacks urged me to do something and heal myself. As I knew, I could not remain the same with these horrible flashbacks.
At that time, it was becoming more difficult for me to hide things since they were directly affecting my mental health. Fortunately, I realized that I still wanted to uncover the layers of those traumatic events. I initiated this venture without any proper strategy or plan. My cognitive behavior helped me to delve deep and deal with the core issues. I contacted my psychologist to assist me in steering this side.
Childhood Adverse Experiences Are Not Same For Everyone
If you think the same tips and tricks will work for everyone, then I will say it is wrong to think so. Things that worked for me or anyone else cannot be useful for you, even if the root of our problem is the same.
Our nervous system, identities, and the way we perceive different experiences define us as human beings. We all are different from each other and we cannot be the same. That’s why when we have bad traumatic incidents in our childhood memories, our personality gets a different shade.
Traumatic events do not hit everyone the same. It depends on how strong you have your support system. Sometimes your family and friends help you to overcome the influence of the trauma. The way you hold trauma and treat it in your childhood shapes your personality later.
Trauma And The Function of Strong Relationships
In the healing process, strong relationships and healthy associations help you to deal with traumatic events. The constant negligence of short-term symptoms leads to chronic mental illness. It is necessary to deal with it on time to save yourself from larger adverse effects.
Understanding the relationship between the sufferer and the abuser is also an important step towards your journey. In my observation, it seemed to me that betrayal and emotional heartbreak lead to severe disorders, which include a lack of confidence, suicidal thoughts, trust issues, unpredictable reactions, and unhealthy relationships with the people around you.
In addition to this, genetics play another but different role in keeping trauma and shaping the reaction to the abusive events. The victim may feel the familiar nature of something happening related to their previous incident and react accordingly.
Traumatic events may occur episode-wise, but every other person can take it differently according to how their nervous system tends to perceive them. The constant traumatic incidents are more likely to harm you.
You Can Use Different Ways To Heal
As I said earlier, I started this journey without any plan or looking into the possible outcomes. But in the start, it seemed to me that I was not doing this correctly whenever I looked at others doing this differently.
Yes, I understood later that I was not wrong, but I was doing it differently. I was trying my best to use suitable ways to deal with my trauma.
Different Therapies Worked For Me On This Journey
In my journey, different talking sessions and my cognitive behaviour assisted me in tackling the effects of negative childhood events. These therapies have encouraged me to take the most out of them in dealing with traumatic experiences.
The treatment of childhood adverse experiences is difficult to deal with. Therefore, it is a time-consuming journey that cannot be completed overnight.
Throughout the healing process, the only thing that matters most is your willpower and hope. The hope of having good days, the hope to completely heal yourself, and the hope of meeting your soul make your journey easy and less challenging.
Affection Towards Abuser
During this path, I held the abuser accountable as much as I could, but on the same side, I moved because of her mental illness and the worst traumas she had experienced.
As she is no more here alive therefore I felt a different kind of accountability toward her. I may have looked into the matter differently if she was not dead. The trauma she suffered from could not justify the choices she made by traumatising others in the same way.
When I started learning the impacts of traumas on my mind and body, I realised that the abuser never went through any treatment to heal herself. I believed her when she told me about substance use and other dysfunctional activities of her brain as a result of unhealed trauma. And it sowed the seed of compassion for her in me while I tried to forgive her.
The main purpose of my journey is to heal myself. Therefore, I focused more on my purpose rather than blaming the abuser all the time. I knew it would not be easy for anyone to do this, but it worked for me.
It surprised me the way people react to the situation, especially toward traumas. The abuser and victim suffered from the same. But one became another abuser, while the other one became a protector to save others from abuse.
Compassion For Yourself And Childhood Trauma
The abuser projected the shame of herself onto me. Throughout my way, I wondered if this guilt actually belonged to me or if I should feel ashamed. And my heart always answered no. The things the abuser did to me did not actually belong to me.
I learned to love myself, and it actually helped me to run long in this way. I realised after loving myself that I should do that earlier. Loving yourself helped me to love others. It assisted me in dealing with others with compassion and affection.
Nature and Emotional Stability
When everyone around you acts cruel, nothing is more peaceful than nature. Spending time exploring nature and birds helped me to find comfort and peace in myself.
Before finding ways to heal, I got terrified while I was sitting alone. Even my dreams come as a flashback from my past, but now I love to spend time alone with nature.
The endless effort to heal
Come to fact, I know and want you to know that the journey to heal and find yourself is never-ending. This only ends when you die. Therefore, until you are alive, try to find yourself. And try it harder.
Even the ones who love you the most can only give you hugs and compassion. It is you who can stand up for yourself. Rather than blaming and feeling guilty, get yourself out of the mess.
I have seen some victims who start to hate themselves for what the abuser has done to them. At that point, I can only say hate can only worsen the situation, while love can save you from more harm.
Traumas Are Not Easy To Heal
It takes a lot of effort to heal yourself. The same happened to me when I initiated this journey. I made myself understand that this journey is not limited to time. In conclusion, the traumas take time to heal. If you think it will heal quickly, then you are wrong. Since I am still on a journey to heal myself, I will suggest you be patient and gentle with yourself.