In my healing journey, I’ve discovered an empowering truth: self-love intertwined with faith can illuminate even the darkest corners of our hearts. Today, I am a mixture of resilience and vulnerability, navigating relationships and self-worth through the lens of my early experiences.
The echoes of physical and emotional child abandonment issues reverberate long into adulthood, leaving behind a complex tapestry woven from pain, insecurity, and longing. My experience with these childhood wounds has been both intricate and illuminating, a difficult process that ultimately led me to discover a profound truth: healing begins within.
The Child Abuse Began Before I Took My First Breath
The truth is, my journey into the world was marred long before I took my first breath. A haunting awareness accompanied each heartbeat inside the womb: I was predestined to navigate a life filled with shadows cast by unhealed wounds.
I‘ve heard the story of abuse that started in my own home while my mother was pregnant; she was taking cocaine. My father saw her, and then he struck her. He threw her into the wall and followed her with slaps on her face.
Unlike many unborn children, I feel terrified in my own mother’s womb. Because I wasn’t even safe there. Have you ever heard about being unborn and abused? And here I witnessed it even when I should have felt protected inside my mother rather than terrified.
After going so much, my mother delivered me with complications. And I can not still digest it. Because the feeling of being abandoned and abused started the day I came into this world. The day I left my mother’s body.
We often think of trauma beginning with a first cry, yet for me, it started long before I took my first breath, measuring just three pounds and battling against a world that seemed intent on pulling me into darkness.
Arriving in the NICU felt like entering another realm entirely. The doctors fought to nurture me away from the remnants of my mother’s struggles while I fought within myself just to survive.
My Emotional Abandonment Only Escalated
As an older adult reflecting on my journey, I’ve come to realize that emotional abandonment is often uninvited. When I caught my mother using drugs, I became acutely aware of how that fear of abandonment had woven itself into my identity. Instead of healing, those experiences seemed to amplify my worries.
As I watched my mother’s health decline, I knew that the inevitable was approaching, and each passing day only deepened my sense of dread. Living in this constant state of fear makes every moment fraught with anxiety rather than joy.
I remember that night she would go out, only to not return home. Each tick of the clock felt heavier than the last, increasing my sense of abandonment.
As a little girl, I often found solace in the crinkly pages of our old phone book, searching for names and numbers that felt like safety nets in a world that seemed too big. Each time I dialed a few digits, my heart raced not just from the thrill of making contact but also from the fear of what it meant to reach out and be met with silence.
The call bars on my tiny plastic phone would blink an unforgiving red when no one picked up; it was in these moments that my mommy’s absence became painful.
My pulse raced as the phone rang, echoing in the silent space where my anxious thoughts swirled. Each ring felt like a countdown, a reminder of unresolved emotions hanging between us. I wondered who was on the other line if something had happened to her in the depths of my emotional abandonment that gnawed at me like an unseen predator.
A Child’s Life Should Not Look Like This
As I woke up that morning, a sense of dread washed over me as I checked her breathing. The rise and fall of her chest offered a momentary relief from the fear of losing her to circumstances beyond our control.
At seven years old, I found my mother on the floor; she was overdosed and unconscious at that moment, and I caught in a moment that no child should ever witness. The chaotic scene is saved in my memory.
The constant struggle for affection, where every day I feel like an uphill battle just to receive love. I never knew that the version of my mother that I encountered was tinged with shadows or that the scary side lingered in her moments of frustration, leaving me unsure if I was going to get comfort or affection.
I remember the silence in the air, a suffocating weight that felt more like torment. In our home, her silence was not just absence; it became a weapon she wielded with chilling precision. I would follow her around, my small heart pounding with anxiety as I pleaded for just one word, one conversation to lift the dark cloud looming over us.
When I beg my mom for just a moment of her time, it often feels as if I’m asking for something monumental instead of a simple conversation. The silence that follows turns into a scream in my mind, echoing thoughts of loneliness and neglect.
A moment in a car, windows rolled up tight as tension filled the air; she got mad when we said something that upset her. The faint glow of a lighter sparks momentarily before the acrid smell of cigarette smoke takes over. For me, that was a collection of experiences laden with stress.
There was a moment when I felt directionless. I heard about good and bad memories, but I felt that day that was how they looked. I knew I had good memories with her, but the ugliest memories were dreadful.
Some People Should Not Be Parents
As I reflect on my journey, one distinct memory stands out: being abandoned as a teenager. This early experience carved a deep wound in my heart, exacerbated by ongoing heart problems that required three surgeries to mend both physically and emotionally.
Due to parents’ unresolved traumas or selfishness, their children may face struggles far greater than what they deserve.
At high school, I remember there was a need to stabilize my situation, for which there was an ambulance. They want to keep me for hospitalization. I went to their room, where I needed to stay for medical help.
The room was occupied with a lot of crash stock and emergency equipment. It seemed to me more terrible and shocked me. Rather than consoling my physical state, my condition worsened. My grandma and mummy reached there, but for no reason, they plunged me emotionally.
I remember begging my mother to please leave me alone
I remember those moments when my pleas for space echoed off the walls. It was a chaotic time, filled with the dull hum of doctors calling us in and out of rooms; they told my family to get out so they could work their magic on me.
As I lay in that hospital room, the sterile scent of antiseptic filled the air. In those moments, I craved silence and solitude to process what was happening within my body and mind.
No recollection remains of what occurred after that.
It was a frightening and devastating moment of my entire life when they left me in the hospital. It was a time in my life when silence felt heavy, almost suffocating, when doctors began suggesting that I needed help.
I often imagined how it would feel to call my mother right then and how those words could spiral into accusations leading to Child Protective Services getting involved. Despite child abuse reports filed over the years, no one came from home to help me.
I was seventeen years old one morning when I found myself in my mother’s bedroom; she was dead. At that moment, I dreaded the heavy silence between us, transforming our small living room into a battleground of unspoken words.
Please, just leave me alone. I had pleaded, wishing desperately for space to navigate my emotions. I found those flashbacks in my eyes whenever I tried to forget those moments.
I was shocked to find that my mother was gone, but instead of relief, there was an emptiness that gnawed at me.
It was a terrible event for me as I lost my mother, but rather than relieved, I felt a hollowness in myself.
Understanding Child Abandonment Issues
These issues often stem from deep-seated fears and emotional responses rooted in past experiences. When children feel neglected or unloved, those feelings can manifest later in life as anxiety, insecurity, or attachment disorders.
As adults, they might find themselves repeating patterns from their childhood, subconsciously recreating the circumstances that caused them pain. Provide support systems that promote healing and resilience for those affected by child abandonment issues.
Legally, abandonment carries significant consequences for parents, including the possibility of having their parental rights terminated. Nurturing an environment where children feel secure can mitigate the long-term effects of abandonment on their lives.
Fear of abandonment as I grew, I realized how my mother’s struggles with unpredictable behavior fed into my life. With that fear, early experiences of my life feel physically or emotionally abandoned; it can lead to feelings of low self-worth and deep-rooted anxiety that often follow me into adulthood.
Parental Abandonment and Its Impact
It leaves deep emotional scars that can shape a child’s life. Feelings of rejection and unworthiness may manifest in anxiety, trust issues, or difficulty in forming healthy relationships later on. These experiences can lead to an abandoned struggle to connect with others, perpetuating loneliness and insecurity.
Reflecting on my story, I remember the void left by my mother’s actions, which went beyond physical absence. It was as though she had taken a piece of my identity with her, leaving me with questions about love and belonging.
She was never a stable, reliable presence in my life, creating an unsettling void filled with confusion and longing.
For many years I experienced abandonment; why didn’t she come home became a haunting refrain. Consider the instance when I woke up alone in a hospital bed, realizing she was not to be there during one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. These are examples of abandonment that can cast a long shadow over my life, often shaping me into reality.
The experiences taught me that those who face such loss often become hyper-alert and distrustful, constantly bracing themselves for the next disappointment or rejection.
Child Abandonment Issues Continue When a Person Turns 18
In my struggle with these unresolved feelings, I’ve learned that acknowledging my past is essential for healing. I constantly measure what I give against what I might lose. Reminding myself that worthiness isn’t defined by external validation but rather by recognizing my intrinsic value as a human being.
Acknowledging this reality is essential for healing; it allows me to confront deep-rooted fears and embrace self-acceptance. I believe that the age of 18 signifies a clean break from childhood wounds, but in truth, those feelings are like shadows, subtly influencing choices and interactions.
Turning 18 may signal the end of childhood, but for many who have experienced child abandonment, it’s an ongoing struggle. Even as I moved 2,500 miles away in search of a fresh start and to escape the madness that haunted my earlier years, to erase deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and loss.
I found myself with the emotional and psychological scars that stemmed from my early experiences, abused at the hands of three professionals—a therapist, a church leader, and a professor.
Each woman did the same with me, a reminder of what my mother did when she was vulnerable. The impact resonates for years, often dragging my name through the mud of societal judgment and personal shame.
Largely Ineffective Mothers Leave Their Children With a Host of Other Issues
I loved my professor deeply and valued her. But she shattered my heart and murdered the spirit inside of me, leaving fragments that took years to piece together.
The impact was as profound as standing back and watching my house burn without taking action. In those moments, “I scream for help!” towards unhealthy relationships or even substance abuse as they search for an escape from the flames of emotional pain.
The transformation starts in my inner world, where they replay experiences that shape their self-worth and perceptions of love. Each misstep from a parent not only echoes in childhood but continues to adulthood, creating a cycle that’s hard to break.
Thankful for the lessons learned through adversity. The journey toward inner healing can be difficult yet enlightening.
The first time in my life that I chose myself marked a turning point where I started to recognize the patterns that unlocking freedom requires confronting these feelings and acknowledging how they shape my future relationships, choices, and even my sense of self-worth.
I Start to Make Progress After Several Attempts at Healing
I began to realize that progress often comes in waves rather than a linear path. It felt as though I was piecing together a jigsaw puzzle, yet every piece—whether it belonged in a religious setting or within personal reflection—offered the bigger picture of who I am becoming.
I began to notice something transformative in my relationship with God during the hard phases of my healing journey. Each attempt gradually became a stepping stone instead of a stumbling block. Every setback infused me with a greater understanding of my resilience.
Learning to Heal From My Abandonment Issues
In my journey to healing from abandonment issues, I came to understand my fear of abandonment came from experiences that often felt like they defined me. I recognized these feelings weren’t real threats; rather, they were echoes of past pain seeking validation in the present moment.
It often feels like old stories and distorted memories. Every trigger can feel overwhelmingly real, pulling us back into patterns that play on repeat in our minds. Yet, the truth is that these emotions stem from an illusion.
When I began to confront these feelings head-on, I realized that nothing truly threatened my stability in the present moment.
As Adults, We Can Reclaim Our Power
The fear of being left out was the actual thing that triggered me. I did not know that these triggers could hit me to the core and would be invisible through traumatic symptoms.
I also got thoughts on the repetition of these ugly past experiences of my childhood in my present life. But I don’t feel that they are happening all over again.
When I reflect on those painful experiences, they may feel familiar; yet, it’s crucial to recognize that now I am not in imminent danger. The difference lies in how we choose to respond to those memories and feelings today.
Instead of allowing them to dictate our future or define who we are, we can use those past experiences as stepping stones toward empowerment.
I possess the ability to reclaim my power by recognizing that I am neither a child nor dependent; I hold the reins of my life. Through these small but meaningful shifts, I carve out spaces where my voice matters and an essential step towards living fully empowered as I navigate life’s unpredictability.
It is Our Responsibility to Heal and Take Care of Ourselves
Healing starts from within, and it’s a journey that calls us to connect with our past selves. By acknowledging little me, the version of ourselves who felt fear, joy, pain, or excitement, we open the door to understanding the emotions that shape us today. Sitting quietly with her allows us to validate those feelings rather than burying them under the weight of adulthood.
In our journey of self-discovery and healing, I made sure there was a safe space where my inner child could feel secure. Often, the voices we suppress—our inner teenagers, for instance, who might be angry and loud—demand attention and understanding.
By committing to this path of healing, I realized that every effort made to soothe my inner turmoil leads me closer to authenticity.
Faith Played a Large Role in My Healing
It is often in our quiet moments that I can best hear the whispers of destiny, guiding me in inner healing and transformation. God revealed to me through our trials that nurturing ourselves is not an act of selfishness but a sacred responsibility.
Each time I allow myself the grace to heal, I unlock new insights into our lives, illuminating pathways previously hidden from view.
I discovered that faith acts as an unwavering anchor for the inner child and teenager that still exists within us. These parts of ourselves often hold onto old wounds and fears, but through faith, I learned to embrace them with compassion.
By engaging my faith, I found a dialogue with my inner child—a gentle reassurance that it’s okay to be vulnerable. This newfound connection allowed me to process past pain without judgment, creating space for growth and renewal.
Healing From Abandonment Issues is Messy
There will be moments when I regress to a childlike state, particularly in times of stress or emotional turmoil. It’s as if the little girl within me re-emerges, navigating the world through an innocent lens that both shields and exposes our deepest vulnerabilities.
I often find myself in the quiet hours of the night, crying hard, my eyes swollen and puffy as I grapple with memories that seem to surface out of nowhere. Those screams buried deep inside me demand to be heard, echoing like a haunting melody in my mind. Each tear that soaks my pillow feels like both a release and an overwhelming reminder of past pain.
Every single day, I find myself grappling with thoughts that pull me back into fear or self-doubt. It’s in these moments of struggle that the true work begins. I feel like forcing myself to confront feelings that resurface without warning, making it challenging to maintain my balance.
I wanted to live a life where I could experience true peace, happiness, and contentment for the first time in 26 years. I wish someone had told me that this process would not just be about confronting past traumas but also about embracing the beautiful messiness of emotions.